I Like Your Booty, But I'm Not Gay
by Greenaleydis
Summary: Draco disguises himself as a girl to prove that Hermione Granger is indeed batting for the other team - but his plan turns out to be way more traumatizing in the end than he'd originally thought. Fluffy fem-slash goodness - maybe something else. One-shot.


**I Like Your Booty, But I'm Not Gay**

The Hogwarts male population had decided that something was wrong with Hermione Granger. Not because she wasn't as fiery and passionate as some of the couples sneaking around in convenient alcoves and making out in plain sight of professors and other students, but because she was the complete opposite. In fact, there were all kinds of stories about her. Why was she hanging out with two blokes all the time anyway? Were they sharing her or something? Why was she always in the library - reading up on some steamy literature? Being a prude, she was the type after all.

But seriously.

He'd remembered everyone laughing during their sexual education lecture when she'd been forced to answer a question she should _not _have raised her hand for, however unintentional the gesture was. Her face had turned lobster red. And as smart as she was, there was no way she was dancing around that particular question without saying the big P word.

It was one of the highlights of that year.

So what was it with her? Was she afraid?

Or... was she secretly a deviant of another kind?

Everyone had thought it at least once. Everyone was suspicious, even her little gang-bang mates. It was on the tip of everyone's tongue. So Draco Malfoy went ahead and said it.

"I bet she's a lesbian."

That was how this got started.

Why was he doing this, again? Oh, yeah, just the simple fact that _he wouldn't miss this for anything._ Anything at all. He _had_ to be there firsthand; he had to be the one administering the torment. It had been his idea, after all, and no one else was going to get this right like _he_ was going to.

* * *

"Hermione, I overheard Crabbe saying that Malfoy's planning to prank you. You'd better watch him," Harry warned.

Hermione laughed. "What's the worst he could do? That's what I have a wand for, Harry. Honestly, I'm _not_ worried about that prat. The best he could do last time was turn my hair pink." He'd definitely tried, even though that was the _lamest_ prank _ever_. Pink hair was fashion to most anyway, not humiliation. She'd given him a mullet with mutton chops in retaliation.

Now _that_ had been funny.

Harry shrugged and led the way to the carriages taking them to Hogsmeade. She decided to keep an eye out, just in case. She straightened her casual shirt as she climbed in beside her friends. As if Malfoy could pull off a stunt on _her.._.

* * *

It would be the biggest ever scam he had undertaken as a Slytherin and as a Malfoy, which was definitely saying something. Everything had to be perfect, and because of that, Draco was taking _no_ chances.

He'd have to raid Pansy's laundry for clothes. He'd have to apply makeup. He'd have to transfigure his entire body - chest, arms, abdomen, hair, voice, eyelashes, legs... and especially everything in between. He grimaced as he undid his pants. Yes, even _that_ had to go.

Polyjuice potion was not going to work because 1) he'd have to kidnap an unsuspecting, completely ravish-able teenage girl that Hermione didn't know, and there were very few of those in the school, and 2) there was no way he was risking changing back during the plan. Not to mention if any unsuspecting, completely ravish-able teenage girls woke up in a broom closet with their clothes missing, or in the Slytherin boy's dorm, the whole school would be in uproar. They'd get him eventually - whether it be Veritaserum for every male in the school building or Hermione realizing that she had just romped with the unsuspecting girl that same night, making her suspicious.

And then it'd be Veritiserum for the lot of them if that happened as well, now that there were _two_ confused girls involved.

So, everything he was doing was completely necessary... even the makeup. _Stupid mascara pokey thing, how does this work anyway? Whatever, I don't have time. Having breasts isn't that bad at least_, Draco thought, poking at his new assets with a grin. He looked around the room for a clock... nah, he did have time.

He loved his mother and her body-altering transfiguration books.

He snuck off to the bathroom mischievously. Why didn't more boys think of this?

* * *

Hermione sat dejectedly in The Three Broomsticks, waiting for her friends. They had gone down to the quidditch shop down the street and were already almost twenty minutes late. They _knew_ how she hated it when they were late.

Draco had been looking for her for the longest time (checking the book store twice, thoroughly.) Where had she gone? He'd thought he'd seen a bushy something for a moment -

Oh, that was just a second year holding a very furry cat up in the air.

Draco chuckled to himself...

... Herself.

"She's too smart - she's not going to fall for it."

"She's not getting any, I bet. Of course she'll fall for it!"

"Shut it, you lot. There she is, in The Three Broomsticks," said Blaise from behind him... or her. "You're on, Draco... I mean, Marissa. Good luck." Draco hit him on the shoulder.

"What? That is your name, isn't it?" Blaise said. He sighed dramatically. "Why do you get to have all of the fun?"

Draco turned around and gave him an unmistakable Malfoy smirk. "Because I'm _me,_" he replied, flipping his hair. Blaise laughed.

"Okay _miss..._"

* * *

"Excuse me, are you Hermione Granger?"

Hermione turned around to see the sweetest - and prettiest - looking chesnut haired girl standing behind her. She smiled warmly. "Yes, I am, is there something that I can do for you?"

Draco tried not to burst out laughing outright, turning his sudden snort into a nervous chuckle. _Why yes, there's this little itch down my panties, would you mind scratching it for me? _"Yes, I was wondering if you could help me with some homework - I've heard that you are very good at Arithmancy..." Draco batted his eyelashes. He had chosen Arithmancy because all the books on that subject were in the most secluded part of the library, right next to the Restricted section. Or in other words, it gave him more chances to put the moves on her.

"Yes, of course, I'd love to help. Do you have a specific question, or have your notes and book with you?"

Draco tried not to panic - he had neither. "Um, I was wondering if we could go down to the library together - I need a reference book for a paper I'm writing."

Hermione looked around, seeing no sign of her friends. _Well, this will show them, won't it? And she actually cares about her coursework too_. Hermione got up after a moment. "Sure, that'd be no problem at all. It's almost time to be back at the castle soon anyway..."

* * *

Both Harry and Ron were thoroughly preoccupied, indeed.

They both woke up sitting in a puddle of gritty mud... leaning against the Shrieking Shack.

Stark naked.

"Ah!" Ron screeched a few octaves higher than normal, before remembering that the building wasn't actually haunted. He'd pitched forward, trying to put distance between himself and the creaking wood and closer to the pile of clothes a little down the path, only to discover that he and Harry were magically bound together.

Ron didn't dare move... not after that little energy spurt had put he and his best friend in a very compromising position. Harry could have stared down a basilisk with the look he was giving Ron.

Crabbe and Goyle chuckled mirthfully from behind a nearby bush. Mission accomplished!

"Who is that?"

Uh-oh.

* * *

"So... which essay is it? I've probably had the same one... but that depends on which class you're in."

Draco thought quickly. "It's about the sevenfold charting system." He'd been in her class - he remembered how much she'd preened when she'd got a perfect score. That had been a buggering difficult essay -

Hermione's eyes lit up. "Oh, no problem! That's one of my favorite units. Let me get you started..."

Draco stifled a scowl painfully. _Damn mudblood._

He could have used her bloody help _before_ he'd gotten a crappy score on that one.

She reached up, reaching for a book at the top shelf and completely forgetting her wand. Draco saw his opportunity immediately. He may have been a girl, but he was still taller than her. He quickly leaned in right against her, pressing his female body against hers as he... she... retrieved the book slowly. He looked into her eyes as he brought the book down.

"Did you want this one?" he murmured, lowering his feminine eyelashes. Hey, that move always worked on _him_.

It was an obviously sexual move - the touching, the slowness, the voice...

Hermione blushed. _She's hitting on me!_ was the clear realization in her eyes.

Draco, of course, mistook the blush. _Hell yes, I knew it!_

Hermione took the book from the girl, looking at her feet before saying, "I'm sorry, I should have used my wand for the lot of them - "

"Allow me," Draco said, pulling his wand from his jeans pocket... he shuddered as he remembered that the jeans were Pansy's. Of course Pansy would have the kind of low riders that showed the crack of your arse when you bent over. Bloody girls clothes.

Hermione looked at his wand briefly before looking at his face. _Fuck, that's my wand - I hope she can't recognize it._ He put it away quickly as the books floated over to the table and plopped down softly.

"What did you say your name was again?"

"Marissa," he said, looking back at her.

Hermione smiled at the girl again, her blush still coloring her cheeks. _Ha,_ Draco thought, _she still suspects nothing! _"Well, nice to meet you. Shall we get started?"

* * *

"Well, that went well," Ron said, dusting off his newly donned sleeves and looking at Harry.

Harry still looked like he was going to kill Ron, and said nothing as he nudged the unconscious Crabbe with his foot.

"Blimey, look at the sky! Curfew must be soon, we have to get back!"

Harry looked even more put out.

"Oh no," Ron said, stopping. "We forgot about Hermione."

They looked at each other.

Harry's look of malice was replaced with a look of pure horror.

* * *

"And next, you place the even number in the second row, first column..." Hermione lectured, demonstrating her concept on a piece of parchment. Had she really been talking for five straight minutes? Draco was dying of boredom, having been rubbing small circles in Granger's foot with his own shoeless foot.

He had his cleavage _right_ in her line of vision, and she could _still_ go on about numbers?

Granger was definitely more disturbing than he had originally thought.

_Alright, let's get this over with. She's going to need to really concentrate with the next part, I remember it being confusing... best to start kicking this up a notch._ Draco innocently pretended to look closer at the sketch Hermione was making, flipping his long brown hair over his shoulder, while slowly scooting closer to the other girl. He pressed his girl legs up against hers, and leaned in some more.

"... third row - uh, and um... since these two equal five... I mean six, they go in the sixth column, fourth row. See how that works?" Hermione looked up at her companion to find her face inches away from Marissa's.

"Um," she said quietly, staring at the other girl. Draco made sure he was giving her the most feminine look he could muster... _being a girl isn't nearly as easy as it looks, damn!_ "Should we... go back over the theory again? You look a little... lost."

"Actually," Draco said softly, drawing his bottom lip into his mouth, "I think I'm found." And with that cheesy pick-up line hanging in the air, he released his lip and closed the distance between them.

Hermione gasped instantly and stiffened. _Too late, Granger,_ Draco thought. _I've got you cornered now. Not even Madame Pince knows we're here._

Just the thought of being a girl while kissing a girl had Draco all hot and bothered. And when he squinted, he couldn't even tell it was Granger he was kissing.

He tried not to think of that too much - he had a job to do. Because the thought of kissing Granger, no matter how - tempting - it was normally, was an instant mood killer. But apparently not for this situation - after all, she did have nice lips.

Draco pulled back to give Hermione some air. She was breathing hard, much to his enjoyment. "Ma - "

_Nope,_ he thought, going back in. _Shut up._

He brought his hand up to her face and gently felt her through her clothes - _whoa, where did those come from? _- all the way down, resting his hands in her lap to play with the edge of her shirt.

He felt her succumb slowly and Hermione began to kiss him back, timidly. Draco's brain rejoiced, and a little of his restraint dissipated as he pulled the edges of her shirt up in his excitement, raking his fingers over her soft skin.

Mmmm. He was enjoying this a little bit past the evil attempt at humiliating her.

Well, he was doing her a favor actually by forcing her out of the closet. Blessing in disguise, of course. She'd see it eventually.

Draco gasped in shock as Hermione suddenly dragged his lips up and forced him back onto the table, scattering the parchment and quills that had been there.

_Wow, Granger..._

This was getting _very _out of hand... he hadn't intended on going _that_ far.

Draco mentally kicked himself for not thinking he _should _go for the full monty. He knew how lesbians had sex (that being his favorite kind of porn,) so why not go for it? What kind of male _was_ he, anyway?

Well... you know.

* * *

"Merlin's knickers, I hope she isn't too mad at us... it's way past curfew!" Ron whispered at Harry as they entered the portrait hole together. They half expected to see a light suddenly flicker on, revealing Hermione's murderous face, cast in shadows and saying, "I've been waiting," darkly.

"Well," said Harry, seeing no need to whisper now that they were in absolute safety, "she probably went to bed. Come on; I'm tired from beating those two louts up. Let's go to bed."

They looked at each other again.

"Separately, of course!" they said in unison.

Ron's face quirked into a smirk.

Harry just stomped his way up the boys' staircase, fuming.

* * *

Draco's brain officially stopped working as he found Hermione's small hands working the buttons on his shirt. She gasped slightly as she got the thing open before dropping her face down to his feminine collarbone, sucking on the sensitive skin there and moving herself on top of him.

_Oops, I knew I forgot something_, he thought, looking down at his now bare chest - with no bra. _Pansy definitely isn't my size anyway, _he rationalized, secretly enjoying the easier access the absent garment allowed her.

Why did they even _bother_ with those bloody things?

She was definitely going to eat him alive, the way she was sucking his soft skin into her mouth and bringing the blood to the surface, making a trail of redness all around his chest, adding to the blossoming heat that his skin was radiating. She must have felt hot as well, for her shirt was quickly discarded over her head.

He was _not_ going to let her control him anymore - _he_ was the one on a mission.

Though her eagerness definitely added to it.

He flipped her under him, rolling them on the hard, wooden table, right to the middle of it. Being a guy had definitely taught him a few things about girls in this area, and he pressed a leg in between hers, showering her neck and face with kisses. Her hair framed her face wildly as she gripped his back.

All thoughts of "getting this over with" were firmly discarded as Draco felt Hermione's fingers move to the button on his jeans and fumble with the clasp, and then reach around to grip his transfigured arse.

Oh. He'd _definitely_ be reminding her of _that_ when the time came. He smirked as she started to remove his jeans.

* * *

Draco returned to the Slytherin common room looking distinctly frazzled. Distinctly happy.

And very, very distinctly Malfoyish.

Blaise looked at the girl's huge smile warily before saying, "So... it went well, then?"

All Draco could do was look at him.

It was the only answer they needed.

The entire room burst into uproarious cheers, followed by a chant of "Malfoy! Malfoy!" Blaise grinned at his friend, saying, "Details, details!"

Oh, the beautiful details! Draco sat down, not even transfiguring himself back just yet, and began to tell his story.

_Why not have a little more fun with it later? _he thought mirthfully, discretely feeling himself up. He'd definitely earned it.

* * *

The news spread quickly, thanks to Draco and his cronies combined with the absolute juiciness of the scandal. By lunchtime, even the teachers knew there was some rumor floating around about Hermione. Not to mention _everyone_ was talking about it.

"I heard it was with three girls."

"Hannah told me it was with Madame Rosmerta - in a storeroom in the back of The Three Broomsticks."

It had gotten quite out of hand, actually.

Hermione went about her morning as best she could. No one had seen her coming out of the library that morning, fixing her shirt, but she couldn't help but wonder why more people were staring at her than usual, and why people seemed to stop talking whenever she came into view. It being a Sunday and her being fairly ahead on her assignments allowed her the time to have a relaxing walk about the castle...

Some relaxing walk - there were people _everywhere._

Hmm. There was something strange going on. She'd have to ask Harry and Ron later -

"Hi, Hermione, guess who we beat and cursed into a bloody pulp yesterday? By the way, can I talk to you? Thanks a bunch," said Harry, coming out of nowhere, grabbing her arm and pulling her to the side of the corridor where there were less students.

"Is it true?" he asked in a conspiratorial whisper.

Hermione looked at him strangely. "Yes, it's true, Harry - " Harry's eyes widened.

" - Of course our Potions quiz is tomorrow. Snape reminded us last class."

It was now Harry's turn to look at her strangely. Out of the corner of her eye, Hermione saw a couple people edging closer to hear their conversation. What was _with_ everyone today?

"Hermione!" Ron shouted from nearly the end of the corridor, his face popping with some unanswered question. He bounded over to them.

Now everyone was looking at her openly.

Hermione could die of mortification, and she had no idea what was wrong!

"Have fun last night, Granger? We all knew, deep down, you know."

Hermione turned around to face Malfoy. She'd recognize that drawl anywhere. "Excuse me?"

"You know, that you were... how should I say this... " he trailed off evilly, with a very startling look of knowing on his face.

"Leave her alone, Malfoy. Haven't you got some kittens to torture or something?" said Ron, particularly red with the recent rumor.

"Oh, I thought I _was_ torturing a kitten - a sex kitten..."

Hermione wasn't listening. _Oh my god. How had it gotten out that fast? _She'd thought that there was that unspoken agreement between the two of them, and surely _she_ had the sense not to tell anyone... but wait. He teased her about this all the time.

"I haven't the slightest idea of what you're talking about," she replied huffily, trying to get away. He grabbed her arm, stopping her.

Her reaction was murderous. "Let go of me, you prick," she said dangerously. Harry stepped forward, followed quickly by Ron.

"No, Ron, Harry," she said, "Let me take care of this one." The low note and dark narrowing of her eyes chilled them into submission immediately. At the sound of her bag dropping to the floor, they stepped back, into the front of a growing crowd. Her wand could be out any second, and once that happened they certainly didn't want to be anywhere near it.

Unspoken agreement be damned, he'd had his chance to walk away.

Now she was going to kill him.

Malfoy smirked, letting go of her arm to cross his own across his chest. Yes, there were spectators, and plenty of them - this would definitely be the cherry on the cake. "I think you know _exactly_ what I'm talking about, _sweet cheeks._"

There was a rippling whisper throughout the watching students. Apparently, they'd heard that as part of the rumor - Hermione went for the arse of a girl.

Hermione remained silent, watching him intently.

Draco laughed. "Did you honestly think that people wouldn't find out about your little lezzie escapade in the back of the library?"

More collective murmuring throughout the crowd. Everyone was staring at Hermione, waiting for some sign that it was all true, waiting for her to burst into tears and go running, waiting for her to blunder.

"Well, guess what, girlie - you definitely got played by a very sexy brunette. Now that everyone knows, why don't you confess yourself openly?" he continued, watching her face.

More staring, bated breaths, waiting for her inevitable reaction. Hermione took a quick glance around the crowd. They would jump at a twitch of her finger. But instead of tearing up, instead of her face turning red, and instead of her looking like a child caught with her greedy hands in the cookie jar, she smiled openly.

"Guess what, _girlie_. You aren't fooling anyone, because last night you forgot to transfigure your _personality_ along with your pretty arse."

Draco blanched on the spot, horrified.

She'd known the entire time.

Hermione picked up her bag and swung it over her shoulder as the crowd around them gasped. Was she saying what they thought she was saying?

"And for the record, Malfoy, or should I say, _Marissa_..." Hermione said, turning back and still smiling, "I like your booty, but I'm not gay." And with that, she left the corridor, leaving all eyes to rest on Draco.

There was no way he was getting out of this one.

- The End -

_Author's Note_: The sequel to this is called "Outhouse." Make sure you check that out!


End file.
